The End is Nigh and We Feel Fine

 

As the few remaining survivors are scuttling about outside, scourging for the last scraps of edible matter amongst the decaying remnants of what was once our vibrant and sprawling metropolis, you’ll be pleased to know that your Post editorial board is holed up safely (for now) in an underground bunker at an undisclosed location. They had warned us that the end was coming for some time and while, at first, we just made increasingly tired jokes about it on Twitter, the stark reality soon came crashing down on us when the boys in Post Conglomerate Enterprises’ Super-Secret Time Travel Division (PCESSTTD, for short) presented us with a rare document sent to them from the future.  People poo-poo’ed us when we first presented the idea of using money from the alumni donations to set up a multi-million dollar time travel research division, calling it a “bad idea” or “gross financial malfeasance punishable by up to 12 years in federal prison”, but I think we proved the naysayers wrong when your editorial board, on its way back from one of Post Enterprises’ on-site luxury spa and saunas, walked by the Time Travel offices and saw the devastation that was about to befall us with our own eyes.

At first we thought the guys that worked there were just slacking off and watching some kind of Hollywood movie, but then they filled us in on the extraordinary piece of film footage they had been sent through that time travel portal they swear they’ve been working on, but somehow never seems to operational when we want to take a look at it, by one of the rare 2012 survivors. Apparently, a German documentarian named Roland Emmerich had been following around this limousine driver that kinda looked like John Cusack when disaster struck and he was able to get it all on film. How a documentarian was able to get some of the overhead shots of the destruction while it was happening and was able to put together such a well edited piece of film and send it through a time portal we’re still a little hazy on, but we’ll let those nerds we hired worry about that. We’re not taking any chances.

If you’re reading this it means you too have managed to stay alive long enough to grab this copy of Post and take it down into your own bunker (or maybe you scavenged it from one of our alumni’s abandoned houses, in which case: Welcome! We always like it when people outside our alumni community read our magazine as well). However you got your hands on this copy, you made the right choice by picking it up. We thought that, with all the death and destruction going on outside, you might like to take your mind off it by indulging in some light reading about a few cheerier subjects, so that’s why we put together this issue about, amongst other things, racism, horror, the death of print, and the psychology behind suicide and homicide.

To be honest, we don’t really know how bad the destruction outside ended up being (they said we’d have internet when we moved down to this bunker, but those bastards at Tele2 have failed to deliver). All we can do is pray that by the time we’ll need to resurface to get supplies and start working on the June issue, most of the cannibalistic hordes will have already passed us by.

Pantswettingly yours,
The Post editorial board